Empowering Autonomy: Skill-Building for Independence
- Kristen Nguyen
- Sep 13, 2024
- 5 min read
Part 2 of the Littles and Middles series
To read the intro post for this series, click here: Introducing "Littles and Middles”: Parallels between Early Childhood and Early Adolescence
For Part 1, click here: Building Strong Relationships: The Heart of Healthy Development for Littles and Middles
Independence is a key milestone for both Littles (birth through 3 years old) and Middles (ages 10 through 15). Whether it’s a toddler learning to put on their shoes or a preteen navigating social dynamics, building skills for independence is crucial to their growth and confidence. But how do we strike the right balance between giving them freedom and providing the guidance they need?
It’s important to remember that while there are recommended and developmentally-appropriate skills to focus on at different ages, every child is unique. Our job is to meet them where they are. Think of it like the pediatric growth curves used to measure infants' growth. It doesn’t matter if a child is in the 10th percentile or the 90th, as long as they move up along their curve. The same is true for adolescents—improvement and progression are what matter, not whether they are at the same level as their classmates and peers.
In this post, we’ll explore how to support skill-building for independence at these two distinct but equally important stages. We’ll discuss practical strategies for encouraging autonomy while ensuring that kids feel safe, supported, and understood as they step out into the world.
First, A Word on the “Why”: Protect-Provide-Prepare
As a parent of a young child, I’m acutely aware of my responsibility to protect and provide for my daughter. What is not as front-and-center for me is that it’s also my job to ensure she is prepared for life outside of our relationship and our home. As parents, caregivers, and educators, we are tasked with preparing children for the real world—a world where they will need durable skills to navigate challenges, make decisions, and grow into confident, capable individuals.
For toddlers, independence begins with the simplest of tasks—learning to feed themselves, dress themselves, and make small choices throughout the day. These early acts of self-sufficiency are the foundation for a lifetime of confidence and problem-solving. When we allow Littles to try things on their own, even if it means a bit of mess or a slower pace, we’re sending a powerful message: “I believe in you.” This belief is crucial for their developing sense of self. They start to see themselves as capable individuals who can take on challenges and learn from mistakes.
For preteens, independence takes on a new dimension. They’re not just learning practical skills, but also navigating complex social and emotional landscapes. From managing homework to making decisions about friendships, Middles are beginning to shape their identities and assert their autonomy. If you’ve watched Pixar’s Inside Out 2 (and I recommend you do if you haven’t yet!), we see this in the arrival of new emotions and ultimately, a new and more complex sense of self for the main character, Riley.
Encouraging independence at both stages means giving young people the tools and opportunities to make developmentally-appropriate choices, solve problems, and engage in meaningful work.
The Value of Meaningful Work
If you are familiar with the Montessori method, the term “meaningful work” might ring a bell. Meaningful work refers to tasks that give children a sense of purpose, help them pursue their interests, and address their developmental needs while building skills toward independence.
With my daughter, who is almost 18 months, we are prioritizing skill-building in three categories: food & meals, personal hygiene, and coming/going. To encourage her to build independence in these areas, we create spaces that are conducive to her participating fully. In a couple years, we will establish more formalized "chores" that are her responsibility to complete.
When I was in the middle school classroom, I found classroom jobs to be an excellent tool for promoting independence and building a sense of collective ownership in the classroom. It also lessened my task load and helped me avoid burnout so I could focus more on being a better teacher and cultivating positive relationships with my students.
I know some schools have found success with a classroom economy program that rewards students for completing their jobs (or for other desirable behaviors), but I chose not to implement a reward system. Instead, I focused on ensuring the jobs I created were ones that contributed to the overall community in a positive way so that students could see their value and I assigned them with intentionality to align with students' talents and interests.
Practical Tips for Fostering Independence
Start Small and Build Confidence:
For Littles: Get them involved in easy tasks, like putting away toys or “helping” with chores (their sock-matching skills may surprise you!). Even if things aren’t perfect—celebrate like they’ve just mastered the art of laundry.
For Middles: Hand them responsibilities that match their growing maturity—planting a container garden, making a simple dinner, or leading a classroom project. It's all about letting them feel like the boss for a bit.
Offer Choices and Foster Decision-Making:
For Littles: Keep it simple—“Red cup or blue cup?” “Feed the dog or water the plants?” They’ll feel like they’re calling the shots (but we know who’s really in charge 😉). Limited choices = controlled chaos.
For Middles: Let them make bigger decisions—like planning a family outing or deciding how to spend gift money. At school, give them the power to pick a group project topic or classroom job. Teach them to weigh pros and cons like the future CEOs they are.
Encourage Problem-Solving:
For Littles: When they hit a snag (like spilling their drink again), resist swooping in right away. Ask, “How do you think we can fix this?” and watch their little brains work their magic.
For Middles: When they bring you a problem, let them brainstorm first. You can step in with advice, but make them feel like the problem-solving pros they’re becoming—whether it’s a school project or navigating a friend drama.
Create a Safe Environment for Trial and Error:
For Littles: Let them mess up! If they dress themselves and the shoes are on the wrong feet, gently guide them to try again. If they spill while pouring, it’s no biggie—just another chance to practice!
For Middles: Encourage them to take on challenges that might not go perfectly, like joining a new club or trying out for a team. Mistakes? Just a stepping stone to greatness.
Balance Freedom with Support:
For Littles: Be their sidekick. Hover nearby and offer support when needed but let them lead the way. Whether it’s attempting a new chore or conquering the stairs, they’ll build confidence knowing you’re there to catch them if they stumble.
For Middles: Gradually give them more freedom—like hanging out with friends solo or taking the reins on a project. Be there for guidance but let them chart their own course.
Building skills for independence is one of the most important gifts we can give to our Littles and Middles. By encouraging them to take on challenges, make decisions, and learn from their experiences, we’re helping them grow into confident, capable individuals.
In the next post, we’ll delve into the role of routines and rituals in providing the structure kids need to thrive in their growing independence. Be sure to follow Knowledge Exchange Network on social media and subscribe to this blog so you don't miss it!
Until then, here are some ways to put this learning into action:
If you're an educator of Middles, grab one of the resources from my TPT store, like this Inside Out-themed Sense of Self project, Questions of the Day, or Self-Assessment posters. Or use the many other resources out there to start using classroom jobs.
If you're a parent of a young child, choose one area of your home to create a toddler-friendly space and identify which skills you will help your child practice there.
If you're a parent of a preteen or teen, make sure your kids have chores that aren't tied to punishment or reward, but are simply part of contributing to family wellbeing.
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