Managing Big Feelings: Emotions Are Essential, Not the Enemy

Part 4 of the Littles and Middles series

To read the intro post for this series, click here: Introducing "Littles and Middles”: Parallels between Early Childhood and Early Adolescence

For Part 1, click here: Building Strong Relationships: The Heart of Healthy Development for Littles and Middles

For Part 2, click here: Empowering Autonomy: Skill-Building for Independence

For Part 3, click here: Small Steps, Big Impact: The Magic of Daily Routines & Rituals for Kids

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links to products I personally use and/or recommend. If you purchase through these links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you.

Lately, we’ve entered the dramatic phase of toddler tantrums in my home—you know, the classic lying-on-the-floor meltdowns over things like the "wrong" pair of shoes or wearing pants. As an educator who’s spent years working with adolescents, I’m no stranger to emotional turbulence. But toddler meltdowns? Now this is a new world for me. It’s been humbling, to say the least. 

However, I’ve quickly realized that my background in navigating adolescent storms has prepared me more than I expected. As I wrote when I launched this series, toddlers and teens are surprisingly alike in their emotional needs and responses. The problems may look different, but the underlying processes are quite similar. Both groups are dealing with big, intense feelings and figuring out how to express them.

Feelings Aren’t the Enemy—They’re the Guide

The reality is—whether you’re dealing with toddlers or teenagers, big feelings are part of the daily landscape. One minute, everything is fine; the next, it’s full-blown meltdown territory. But here’s the thing: there are no bad feelings. That’s right, none. All emotions–anger, frustration, sadness–are essential, natural, and valuable, even the tough ones. Our job as caregivers and educators isn’t to banish or prevent uncomfortable feelings, but rather to "right-size" them. This means helping kids see that while emotions can feel overwhelming, they don’t have to control us.

When big feelings arise, it’s not about fixing them but putting them to use. Emotions can be abstract and vague, but the key to managing them is to talk about them. When we help kids name their emotions and express them, it is easier to decide what strategies will help them cope. Everything feels better when it’s out in the open rather than bubbling inside.

Developing an Emotional Vocabulary

To be able to put emotions to use, it’s important for young people to develop an emotional vocabulary. For both Littles and Middles, having the language to name their emotions is like handing them a map. Without it, they’re lost, stuck feeling big things without any way to explain them. As they get older, teaching them to express emotions not only helps them navigate personal challenges, but it builds their confidence in relationships and problem-solving.

For example, if a toddler can say, "I’m mad!" or a teenager can express, "I’m feeling anxious," it’s much easier to address the root of the problem than if they’re stuck in a swirl of unnamed emotions. This is why I think the personification of emotions in Pixar’s Inside Out franchise is so helpful–it provides a tool for sparking discussions about social-emotional skills throughout childhood and adolescence.

Inside Out 2, which was recently released to streaming, is particularly relevant for tweens and teens–the main character, Riley, turns 13 and the “puberty alarm” goes off, introducing a range of new emotions. I’ve got lots of Inside Out-themed resources in my Teachers Pay Teachers store that educators can use to help students explore emotions, beliefs, and sense of self.

With Littles, the key is building basic vocabulary to articulate their feelings. My daughter is known to announce “crying” to let us know when she is–well, crying. Building on this awareness, I introduced her to the word “sad” using toddler feelings teaching tools. There are plenty out there, but we got The Feels Set from the Slumberkins collection from my sister. My daughter loves the soft plush characters, but has a hard time distinguishing the facial expressions at this stage. She connects more with the Emotion Match Mirror & Card Set from Lovevery’s The Enthusiast Play Kit, because it uses photos of actual children and is easier for her to connect to the feelings represented. I also like this flip chart to support her as she gets older and needs to develop a wider range of emotional vocabulary–this one also has suggestions of what a person can do when they feel a certain emotion to help build strategies for navigating their feelings.

It Starts With Us

Though tools for teaching young people about emotions abound, we can’t forget that self-regulation starts with the adults. Kids—whether toddlers or teens—watch how we handle our own big feelings. If we can remain calm when things get chaotic, it shows them how to do the same. I’ve had to remind myself of this often both in the classroom with middle schoolers acting out and at home with a flailing and wailing kiddo.

Little ones (and not-so-little ones) look to us as their guides in navigating emotions. If we can model how to manage our own big feelings—whether that’s taking a deep breath when we're frustrated or talking through our stress calmly—we show them how it’s done. Modeling isn’t about being perfect, but about showing them that even adults feel overwhelmed sometimes and that there are healthy ways to navigate these moments.

The role of adults in helping children get through challenging feelings cannot be overstated. One of my favorite ways to think about this comes from the train in the tunnel metaphor. Imagine a child's big emotion as a train going into a dark tunnel. There’s no way out but through. You can’t make the train turn around, but you can sit with the child and ride it out until the train emerges from the tunnel on the other side. By staying regulated and present, you’re teaching them that even when emotions feel overwhelming, they will eventually pass.

Balancing Freedom with Support

As I’ve written about previously, whether a child is a toddler or a teen, they need both independence and a secure attachment with a caring adult. Littles may want to assert their independence by refusing to follow directions, while teens might push boundaries by seeking more privacy–both scenarios are likely to manifest in the form of big feelings. But in both cases, they still rely on the adults around them to provide structure and safety. When we validate their feelings and teach them how to manage those emotions, we’re giving them the tools to build confidence while knowing we’re there when they need us.

So whether you're dealing with a toddler tantrum or an adolescent crisis, remember: it’s not about fixing the feeling. It’s about being there, labeling the emotion, and riding the train with them until it passes.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts, and don't forget to follow Knowledge Exchange Network on social media and subscribe to this blog so you don't miss our next post. You can also follow some of my go-to voices on big feelings: Big Little Feelings, Mr Chazz, Dr. Becky at Good Inside on Instagram.

Let's raise kids who know it’s okay to feel.