Navigating Discipline for Parents, Caregivers, and Educators

Approaches, Strategies, and Principles for Behavior Management at Home and School

I wasn't expecting to write about discipline any time soon. But our daughter will be starting daycare in a few months, and the enrollment paperwork included this question: "What type of discipline do you use at home?" That got me thinking— what do we actually mean when we talk about discipline? How do our values and principles guide the methods we use with children?

As parents, caregivers, and educators, we are constantly navigating the balance between setting boundaries and encouraging growth, all while building relationships of trust and safety. But discipline isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept; different strategies work for different families, children, and situations. So, I thought it would be helpful to provide a general overview of some common discipline approaches and strategies, offering some insight into their pros and cons, and then share my own personal rule of thumb when it comes to discipline—both as a parent and as an educator.

Discipline Strategies and Approaches

1. Time-Outs

Time-outs are one of the most well-known discipline techniques. The idea is simple: remove the child from a situation to help them calm down and reflect on their behavior. In school, a teacher might ask a student to take a break in a designated “calm down corner” to give them time to collect themselves before rejoining the group.

• Pros: Time-outs offer a moment of calm for both child and adult, helping to de-escalate intense emotions. They can help kids understand the consequences of their actions.

• Cons: Over-reliance on time-outs can lead to isolation and shame if not handled thoughtfully. If the focus is purely on stopping behavior rather than understanding it, it may not address the underlying emotions driving the behavior.

2. Positive Discipline

This approach focuses on teaching and reinforcing desired behaviors rather than punishing undesirable ones. The goal is to create an environment of mutual respect and responsibility. At home, this could look like praising a child for cleaning up their toys; in school, it might involve offering encouragement for collaborating well with others; in both cases it also involves explaining why these behaviors are helpful and important.

• Pros: It fosters a sense of collaboration and problem-solving. It helps children understand why certain behaviors are important and encourages self-regulation.

• Cons: It can require a lot of patience and consistency from adults, and may take longer to see immediate behavioral changes. Some critics argue it can be too lenient in certain situations.

3. Natural and Logical Consequences

Natural consequences allow a child to experience the direct result of their actions (e.g., if they refuse to wear a coat, they feel cold outside). Logical consequences are designed by the adult but tied to the behavior in question (e.g., if they don’t put their toys away, the toys are unavailable for a period of time). Teachers might apply logical consequences as well: If a student doesn't complete their assignment, they may have to finish it during recess, or if they are disruptive, they might be asked to change seats.

• Pros: These methods help children understand the cause-and-effect relationship between their actions and outcomes. Connecting their behavior to real-world outcomes can be a powerful motivator for change.

• Cons: Natural consequences aren’t always safe (e.g., letting a child run into the street), so adult intervention is still necessary. Logical consequences can feel arbitrary if not directly tied to the behavior.

4. Reward Systems

Reward systems reinforce good behavior through incentives like prizes or privileges. At home, this might look like stickers on a chore chart. At school, classroom reward systems usually involve earning points or special privileges for positive behaviors.

• Pros: Rewards can be highly motivating for young children and can help reinforce new habits and behaviors. When used alongside praise, they can help build a child's self-esteem.

• Cons: Over-reliance on rewards may shift the focus from intrinsic motivation to external validation. Some children may begin to expect a reward for every action, making it harder for them to act without incentives.

Discipline Philosophies in Parenting

Beyond these general strategies, there are also many philosophies and systems out there. Gentle Parenting is one that has gained a lot of popularity lately—this philosophy emphasizes empathy, respect, and emotional understanding instead of punishment. Proponents of gentle parenting claim that while it takes time and patience to guide behavior through connection and communication, it helps foster emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills among children. 

On the more structured side, 1-2-3 Magic (which has some evidence to support it), is a practical technique that breaks down discipline into three easy-to-follow steps: a child is given two warnings (counts 1 and 2), and if behavior continues, a consequence is applied on count 3. This method is simple for both parents and children to follow, providing consistency and clear expectations.

Of course, these are just two examples, but they are the ones I'm encountering most often: my social media feed is full of gentle parenting "scripts," and I hear parents and caregivers counting to three daily at the park.

Classroom Management Systems for Discipline

Educators have a range of frameworks for managing classroom discipline. Conscious Discipline, developed by Dr. Becky Bailey, focuses on adult regulation, brain-based emotional management, and fostering a sense of community. Similarly, Responsive Classroom integrates social-emotional learning with academics, encouraging students to take ownership of their behavior.

Restorative Practices aim to resolve conflicts through dialogue, focusing on repairing harm rather than punishment. This approach builds community and promotes understanding. Chicago Public Schools’ Office of Social & Emotional Learning (where I previously worked) provides a comprehensive Restorative Practices Guide and Toolkit educators may find useful. Finally, PBIS (Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports) is a proactive model that emphasizes positive reinforcement and behavioral interventions based on data to prevent issues before they start.

My Rule of Thumb

After reflecting on the different approaches, strategies, and systems, I’ve distilled my discipline philosophy into one guiding principle, deeply rooted in empathy: If I wouldn’t want someone else to use a specific discipline approach with my child, I won’t use it myself. As an educator, the same rule applies: If I wouldn’t feel comfortable using a particular strategy in front of a child’s parent or caregiver, I wouldn’t use it in the classroom.

Discipline, whether at home or in school, isn’t just about managing behavior—it’s about building trust and fostering growth. These guiding principles remind me to stay grounded and intentional:

1. Strive for consistency – Children thrive on predictable responses and clear expectations. Consistency helps create a sense of security and trust.

2. Follow through – No empty threats or consequences I can’t or won’t enforce. If I’ve set a boundary, it’s important to stick to it. Otherwise, I risk undermining the limits I’m trying to establish.

3. Remember children are not mini-adults – Their brains and emotional regulation skills are still developing. Adjusting my expectations to meet them where they are, developmentally, is key.

4. Start with me – I must regulate my own emotions first. If I’m dysregulated, I can’t expect children to be calm and receptive.

5. Coach, model, and teach – Behavior is learned. If I want children to act appropriately, I need to show them how and practice with them.

Though I’m still unsure how to concisely answer the daycare question, these principles guide my actions with intentionality. Ultimately, discipline is about teaching, not controlling. It’s about helping children develop the values of respect, responsibility, and self-regulation—not through fear or punishment, but through connection, understanding, and guidance.

Where to Learn More

If you’re interested in diving deeper into different discipline approaches, here are some helpful resources:

• Podcast: Episode 2, "Have We Forgotten How to Discipline?" from Raising Parents with Emily Oster. It explores the evolution of discipline and what research suggests about best practices.

• Social Media: Hashtags like #gentleparenting or #consciousdiscipline offer bite-sized insights and tips.

• Social Stories: I firmly believe we have to explicitly teach the behaviors we want to see from children. As behaviors pop up with my own child, I’ve been creating short printable texts to help her learn what is expected. I have a selection of these social stories in my Teachers Pay Teachers store that can help others with teaching and promoting positive behavior in toddlers.

If you found this post useful, be sure to follow Knowledge Exchange Network on Instagram and subscribe to this blog to stay in the loop!